"What Makes a Good Man?"
an Answer for The Heavy
When I was young, I believed that good people could part the seas and move mountains. I was wrong. While such acts would be quite noteworthy they are in no way representative of the qualities of a “good man.” Indeed, it took me most of my life to date to finally understand what it truly means to be a good man. Along the way the men who “educated” me both entered and exited my life. One of those individuals was my father in law. Like my own father he was a union man. Got up 5 or more days a week to go to work. He did this not because he loved his job, he did it, as would any good man, because he loved his family.
Growing up, my father was forever trying to improve his lot in life. In terms of academics, he succeeded. He taught me to always ask myself if I was doing what was best AND being my best. My father in law taught me, that in the most basic terms and above all else we should do what we must to support and provide for those we love. Of course they were both right but each of them contributed to my education as a “man” in different ways.
In my own life, much as I was taught growing up, I have tended to look for ways to further justice, to effect meaningful change and to always try to improve myself. All of which are worthwhile in their own right. I have since learned, from experience, the best way to get from where I am to where I need to be is to just keep putting one foot in front of the other and never stop moving forward. I also learned we must guard against living in our “heads” too much. We live in a world where ideas are important but it is only through action that we survive, support ourselves and others. Ideas make great goals but until they are translated into action they’re simply nice to have. The man who taught me to realize this was one Victor J. Ibarra (BTW - the J is for Joe, not Jose or Joseph), whose daughter I met then married over 35 years ago and Victor, shortly thereafter.
Over the ensuing years Victor and I didn’t always agree but that didn’t stop us from growing close. When my own father passed away unexpectedly nearly 15 years ago Victor picked up a lot of the slack for what I’d lost with my father’s death. Fortunately, like my father, Victor liked to talk. When we’d visit with one another Victor and I would chat at length about all manner of things. Some of great consequence, some of no consequence at all. Over the years however age began to take a toll on Victor as it does on us all along the way. It was then that I really got to know him, who he really was and what really mattered to him.
Victor, again much like my father, was a worrier. If it posed even the slightest risk to the status quo it was worth worrying about and worry he did. It was in helping him deal with his worries that we truly built an exceptional bond. It was then I learned that Victor was, in the truest possible way, - a good man. I realized over time that all of Victor’s worries boiled down to a single thing - his family. Victor worried constantly about his family’s security. He might well be the only American to have ever lived who was upset when he could no longer qualify for credit insurance since, in his view, it was a way to protect his family.
Unfortunately, as Victor aged, his worries only grew. It became a part of our relationship that I would try to visit him at least weekly. In part that was so he wouldn’t jump into his truck to show me a letter or document he’d received but it was in greater part so that I could assuage his fears. Thanks to these experiences I have learned that seniors are, in fact, enormous targets of companies and individuals who try to extract money most seniors don’t have in exchange for nothing at all. I learned that through Victor, after repeatedly seeing how genuinely worried he would get because some “Credit Repair” company was trying to scare him into calling them or some other questionable outfit.
Victor showed me that a life dedicated to providing for one’s family is a life well-lived even in a society that ridicules and thumbs its nose at anyone who is about something OTHER than money. Victor was not about money other than as a means to provide for his loved ones, beyond that it held no sway over him. Victor left this plane of existence on a Tuesday night, September 20, 2022 sometime between 10 and 10:30PM. Godspeed Victor and thank you so very, very much for being YOU, I will miss you greatly.