Love is a Verb!
I have never fully understood the notion that “Love” is an emotion or “feeling.” Anyone who believes this unfortunate fallacy is destined to suffer and, quite possibly, never “find” love. Webster’s offers 20 different definitions of the word “Love.” In my experience almost none of them are accurate. One that seems fairly close is the use of Love as a verb, which Webster’s first defines as: “to hold dear : CHERISH.” Unsurprisingly most of the definitions of the term by Webster’s involve treating Love as a noun. The problem with this, of course, is that it’s flat out wrong. Love, in the end, is a VERB.
I recently wrote about the passing of my father in law. Few humans better exemplify the correct definition of Love than he has. Over the course of more than 30 years my father in law would get up early in the morning, 5 or more days every week, so that he could ensure he was able to provide for his family. At home he tried to serve as a living example of how to live a life dedicated to others as well as teach his children the way of the World. Born during the Great Depression he grew up with almost nothing. While many of his contemporaries growing up in similar circumstances opted to make material wealth their primary goal in life he did not. Instead, he sought to make sure his spouse and children never had to worry about their security and safety.
Love calls us to ACT. Feelings may or may not be present when we Love another but that in no way impacts reality. Love is doing things that matter, things that make a discernable difference in the lives of those for whom and towards who we act. Jesus of Nazareth is credited with the notion of “laying down one’s life for another” however I believe his meaning has been corrupted over the centuries. We tend to think laying down one’s life means literally dying for others when, in fact, it means LIVING for others. Jesus did not call on his followers to “have feelings” for others rather he called on them to DO things for others. If a man has no coat - give him yours. If someone is hungry - give them food. If someone is ill - care for them. THESE are the things that are the essence of Love.
When a spouse says or does something we find hurtful it is easy to withdraw from interactions with them, to stop DOING the things that are the embodiment of Love. Love, however, demands that we continue to act despite our “feelings.” Certainly we may feel hurt and anger but Love requires that we act without regard for such things. We get up early in the morning, we go to work, we tolerate traffic, we put up with rude and thoughtless individuals and never because we enjoy such things but because Love compels us.
If we’re fortunate enough to become parents or grandparents we find all manner of new pathways to Love. We change diapers, comfort sobbing children, clean up food dropped over much of the floor and never because we enjoy doing so but because we are bound by Love to do so. When Jesus of Nazareth commanded his followers to “Love one another” it is these very mundane, unexciting and often difficult things about which he is talking and NOT how you ought to “feel” about someone else.
Loving one another is difficult because each of us is only human. It is beyond certain in our close human relationships we will experience hurt and anger because we are separate beings and inherently imperfect. Language is difficult because it is literally open to interpretation by every single human being. Actions, however, are generally understood for what they are. While “feelings” might lead us to doubt or question the actions of another what we should do instead is try to see their actions as objectively as a subjective being can.
When someone brings beautiful flowers to another we can certainly wonder at their motivation however if we find the flowers are, in fact, beautiful then we should accept them gratefully. When we give a blanket to someone who is homeless what objectively matters is its utility, not how we “feel” when we give it to them. If the weather is cold it is useful to keep someone warm, if the place they sleep is hard it can be used as a soft place to put one’s head. Certainly there are those who will ensure they have an audience when they perform an act of kindness but we should not let their possible motives keep us from understanding the value of the act in and of itself.
The actions that constitute Love are far too numerous to count. A smile directed towards a sullen stranger, a hand stretched out to help someone who has stumbled, a kind word to those who are in pain - are all forms of Love. Not a single one of them requires we “feel” a particular way about the person with whom we are interacting. While there are certainly circumstances where we do not seem to have the capacity to act in a helpful way towards another it is important to understand one other thing we do when seek to help another - we Love ourselves.
When we reach out to aid a fellow human we tacitly acknowledge our common humanity. We help build a world where compassion counts more than judgment, where concern outweighs criticism, where people matter far more than material wealth. In such a world it is only Love that leads us, without question, to a better place. Whatever else you may do today I urge you to try and Love one another because you’re worth it and so are they.