I attended Catholic schools from 1st Grade through my undergraduate degree in Philosophy (and Religious Studies). My primary goal as a student was to UNDERSTAND. Understand how things work, what they mean and how might I comprehend what another feels, does and says. In terms of relationships I wanted to understand what others were saying as they meant it. It turns out that’s an incredibly difficult objective.
During my time in high school one of my teachers introduced me to the Sophists. A group of largely pre-Socratic philosophers. According to Plato the Sophists were given no respect in large part because they charged their pupils. They were also maligned because they had the audacity to point out that it is all but impossible for one person to EVER fully understand another. The Sophists recognized the subjectivity of human life and experience and that there were varying meanings to even the simplest words as a result. No one, at any time, could ever fully understand what another said or meant.
Despite Plato’s bald efforts to discredit and diminish the Sophists much of what they believed came to drive “Modern” philosophy particularly in the form of Linguistic analysis. Cryptic as his writings might be I remember realizing that Ludwig Wittgenstein, one of the strongest proponents of this school of thought, effectively resurrected the Sophists. Like all others he failed in his attempts to resolve the inherent problems of human communication but in so doing showed us that ultimately the Sophists were right. I can never fully understand your views and experiences and you can never fully understand mine. Indeed, such a thing is impossible (and, most importantly, that’s OK).
With such intrinsic obstacles in mind the question for each of us becomes HOW do we ensure that any given person understands what we are saying or doing AS WE MEAN such things? The unfortunate answer is that we really can’t, at least not to a level at which you see the world through my eyes and I see it through yours. Add to this seemingly brick wall, the roller coaster that is Romance.
In romantic relationships we encounter the dread “familiarity” (there’s good reason why it breeds contempt). As people become more and more familiar with one another something seemingly magical happens - we become convinced that we can see ourselves through the eyes of our friend or partner (and they can see through ours). The only problem is that, in fact, we CAN’T. The problem exists not out of a lack of desire to understand but in trying to satisfy the desire to fully and completely understand another. Such a view necessarily causes division and strife.
In the world today, humans in close relationships continue to embrace an almost absurd notion that, due to inarticulable “feelings,” we can, truly, understand another. Few fantasies deserve to die more than this one as this one, more than any other, can spell DOOM for any relationship. It does that by allowing us to convince ourselves this “Other” person is so very much like us that we can almost literally see the world as they see it. I think of it more as the Quicksand of Love. Once people believe in this non-existent fantasy they have ensured they will walk into this pit of misunderstanding, frustration and anger. We can only hope they will save themselves from its clutches.
You and I can never completely understand each other OR, in fact, see the world through one another’s eyes. More importantly, we MUST surrender this fantasy and accept that it can never be reality as, otherwise, we have condemned ourselves and our relationship to regular, escalating conflicts and the dangers of triggered emotions arising from our misunderstanding of one another. In a real way however, this is a VERY good thing in that it presents us with an opportunity to see, acknowledge and celebrate our differences. Something we can’t do if we convince ourselves that we don’t have any. Contrary to the premise of the average romance novel there are NO soul mates. The Universe is not so cruel as to make but a single person with whom, TOGETHER, you can live in peace and contentment.
I urge you, in the strongest possible terms, to let go of this fantasy and instead look at each person in your life in terms of how they actually exist in YOUR eyes. In a romantic relationship we tend to either overlook or minimize the other person’s weaknesses and flaws - don’t do THAT. What’s important is not whether another person is perfect (I guarantee you they are NOT) it’s whether, together, you can care about them as they are and not as you wish them to be and vice versa. Relationships that succeed are not built on agreeing on everything, they must be built on reality and an understanding that they will ALWAYS require work. It doesn’t matter if you love chocolate ice cream and your significant other loves vanilla (EGAD), what matters is whether you can spend time together, each enjoying what each finds satisfying and find the harmony and joy that exists in such a moment. It’s not whether you see things the same, it’s whether, despite ALL else, the other’s happiness is important enough that you will do all you can to make the journey together one in which each of you is free to be - YOU.