I O U?
Somewhere along the way people in the “West” (no doubt heavily fueled by capitalism) started thinking of human relationships as transactions. Over the past few years I’ve seen an increasing number of individuals assess their interpersonal relationships based on what they “give and get.” Lately, under the moniker of “toxicity,” more and more individuals are looking at relationships based on small increments of interaction, much like buying or selling a small knickknack at a garage sale. The biggest fundamental problem with this approach is that human beings, INCLUDING those we don’t like, are infinitely valuable to the Universe. Every single human being has some quality or feature that makes them unique and of value to all that is.
I’ve been reading about more and more folks cutting others out of their “lives” (whatever that actually means) based on some disagreement, a political debate, religion, communication styles, perceived slights etc.…. Indeed, the list of reasons to end long time or lifelong relationships seems to be growing ever longer. One of the most troubling however is viewing attempts at understanding as “toxic.” Questioning your reasoning does not equate to someone not “respecting” you, it is typically a genuine attempt to comprehend what you’re saying or intending. Despite this, social media is filled with instances of otherwise good and decent humans terminating relationships for what, ultimately, amount to trivial differences.
Whether one prefers frozen yogurt to ice cream is a simple matter of taste. Whether one belongs to one of the captive corporate political parties or the other does not change their fundamental value as a human being. Certainly the increasing vitriol on social media plays some part in all of this but what I’m seeing is far beyond that. One’s choice of words certainly matters however language is by no means a basis upon which we ought to be valuing our relationships with others. Few things in the realm of human developments are as chimeric or inexact as language. Language is almost universally a matter of the self. The words I might choose will rarely be precisely those you might choose and, it is almost certain they will never mean exactly the same thing to each of us. Indeed, it was this reality that gave rise to the pre-Socratic philosophers the Sophists. Fundamentally, the Sophists were about the inaccuracies and misunderstanding built into human communications multiplied by the reality of our internal, subjective existence.
In the end the largest organ we ought to be using in building and maintaining relationships is not our “hearts,” that presumed repository of emotions and “feelings,” but rather our minds, that part of us we need to not only live but flourish. Thinking seems to be on its way out as a valuable quality yet without it our species’ time on Earth will end quite soon. In fact, it behooves us to develop mental discipline and to engage in the problem solving faculties modern society increasingly devalues. Problem solving doesn’t just mean arithmetic or logical analysis but deep critical thinking (including being objective about our own flaws) aimed at comprehension and meaningful solutions.
We also need to reassess the way in which we value others. When I choose to help another human being it’s not a transaction, it’s a gift from one human to another. I give help not because there’s some ongoing tally being kept on a subconscious spreadsheet but because I want to. If I experience guilt it’s not because I “owe” something but because I’m human and guilt, just like other emotions, is but proof of that fact. If I choose to help someone with whom I disagree when they fall on hard times it’s not BECAUSE of any guilt I might feel but DESPITE my feelings. Indeed, it is acting despite our emotions that ultimately is how we should measure ourselves and our place in the Universe. Be safe and be well!